I sure as hell hope so, cause everything lately seems to be an elaborate mean joke.
You’re so fucking tiring to deal with sometimes but I guess there’s this adrenaline that comes with it? But really, what am I supposed to make of all this now.? Everything we’ve said tonight is too much to take in. Especially when I already have so much weighing in my mind. Was it as exhilarating/edge-of-the-seat-keeping for you? Hah. But it’s highly possible that instead of brooding over whatever the fuck you wanna call what happened, you’ve just given in to fatigue, just like how I’m about to give in to it myself too. Well, prayers that I manage to finish everything on time tomorrow. If only I could afford to miss my flight..hah then I might as well stay for the damn commissioning ball. If only…
I’m slowly taking it in..
and I hope I didn’t hurt you…
However small, know that that was not my intention at all.
How you brushed things off; how you changed the topic too quickly when you said too much; how you just plain out avoided things when I tried to question what you were trying to say in between the lines; how you became so careful after getting caught; and how that just made me read into your words more…
I thought I knew where we stood at the start of the conversation - or at least I was getting an idea of it. But not at the end of it all. I don’t understand.. We got too careful with our words, yet were too bold with our intentions.
Though we ended it off on a pretty good facade, and I know that it hopefully won’t be that hard to sink back into our intimacies, as we always progress with, I am still trying to figure what step did we actually take and why I can’t stop thinking about it..
I wonder, did you even consider asking me to the dance? Maybe if I had ‘announced’ to you sooner that I was finally back home.. Would I have made it just in time for you to ask me?
I had the perfect white dress you know, the perfect white dress I haven’t had the occasion to wear. I’m not going to waste it on some stupid clubbing spur.
Don’t tell me all that feels are nothing. When I put my arm around your shoulder when taking a picture and you instantly put yours around mine and our heads both inch closer. Is that the closest to an embrace I will get before I leave again & you give me a hug? And even after when someone has come between us you still stretch your arms all the way around to put it on my shoulder. Hah, I remember that once when someone was in between us and we were technically holding hands behind is back.. But you know what’s the worst part? The camera never captures whose hand is on whose. No one’s looking at us from the back, no one knows and it’s just me getting all the jitters.
Hmm maybe, maybe I wish the next time we go drinking together I’d get drunk and so would you. I don’t mind a scandal coming out of this because then maybe you’d be force to consider all that we could be. I can’t tell you how bad I wanted to kiss you goodnight instead of just waking you up and telling you I was leaving as I got off the car.. Because everyone around us is getting attached all of a sudden and it just scared me how you’d get snagged up because well you are all that. With the whole package. Once university starts and just.. Is that selfish of me? I’d have options to explore too when I go to university and I’d go off first.
You told me to just come back and study..why did I so firmly say I had to go to University there? Why..was there any subtle hints of you wanting me here? & when we played who-do-you-think, you said I would be the one to get attached next. But you couldn’t say why. Rofl why did I so lamely say I picked myself too. I would love it if it was because from the night of fun we had you saw it in me that I had what it took to be attached soon. But no I would love it more if it was you who was smittened. But no again, I don’t see you having to suppress too much of anything. Do I make it too easy to be comfortable around? Such that you think nothing’s wrong in being able to be so close to me? But I did love it tho, when you admitted we were close, that we didn’t need formalities or patronising.
Maybe I just need someone to tell me that all these are because I had feelings to throw somewhere before I left and just you..who I had spent so much time with before I left.
Maybe I just need someone to show me.
I love it when my friend says “he’s so your style”
It really shows; I expect to be lifelong friends with her, 6 years and going stronger always, she knows me enough too that we know we’re definitely part of each others’ lives having already been through so much together - thick & thin.. I don’t know why I don’t have the guts to post this on my main tumblr, but of course she’ll know it’s her the moment she reads this hah.
Either ways, for more good days to come :>
That awkward moment when two people are communicating through their reblogs on tumblr instead of just replying each other on fb and actually talking it out.
Wow, what has this world come to.
But in other news, I really don’t know why I’m not replying all the messages I have on hand when I know I can/have already thought of what to say.
I was all counting down and telling myself I have about 1 and a half months left that are gonna zoom by to mend all my relationships so everything will be dandy when the time finally comes for me to go home, but here I am, having laid in bed for 2 hours since I’ve been up, just not doing much.
Nothing much at all. Dandy.
You know, I actually really like talking to you. You’re always so sure of yourself. & I swear I heard you say “we gonna be best friends” lol. Of course, awkward to admit.
But I guess if things were different, if we started out at a same point, we would’ve/could’ve been best friends. & though I don’t say it for the reasons I mean to, I’m actually really glad we have like at least 5 classes together next year. & I like how we became friends so unknowingly, you just ended up sitting next to me (:
I guess when you get to know people and when you find out how much you have in common.. It’s almost like you’re instantly friends. Well if things were different… I don’t regret anything tho..& now for more good to come (: